Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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