So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
