Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
