you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
