I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
