shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
