He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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