So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
