my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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