Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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