don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
