It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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