Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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