I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
