I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I want her autograph on my taint
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
