I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
nutella sex= disaster
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Randomize
