I need help removing her.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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