she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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