I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have surprise drugs for everyone
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
