Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
