Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
