Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
