what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
