I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
