Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
