I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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