I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
