marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
