I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
