I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
