I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
