I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
