So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
