nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
