not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
