My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
