I am in a vortex of obligation.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
