Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
