Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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