Your mouth is God's brothel.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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