I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Randomize
