so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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