I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
