Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
