I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
