btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
