On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
