i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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