I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
