i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
