I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
