If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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