no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
